Being my best...probably not possible

James Paul Gee

   My entire life has felt like one big fake. As a child of divorced and remarried parents, I may have developed two personalities. Linguistics researcher James Paul Gee,  claims that personalities are Discourses; “Discourses are the ways of being in the world”, ways in which we combine our body language and clothing with words in order to convey certain “values, beliefs, [and] attitudes” that makeup identities we present (Gee, "Literacy, Discourse, and Linguistics", 6). Gee wrote, “ a primary Discourse constitutes our original…identity [and] becomes a “carrier” or “foundation” for [other] Discourses acquired later in life” (Gee, "Literacy, Discourse, and Linguistics", 8), which makes me feel like I may have formed two early Discourses; one to engage with my mother’s household and one for my father’s. I am not sure if this is true, but I think that being in two distinct environments during the developmental years of a child might cause this. Whatever did occur in my psyche, this experience has given me a life long feeling of trying to force myself to fit in where I should not.

   Gee explained the term “Mushfake” regarding Discourse as the “partial acquisition [of a Discourse] coupled with meta-knowledge and strategies to “make do” (Gee, "Literacy, Discourse, and Linguistics", 13). Gee explains that mastery of a secondary Discourse is “probably not possible” and therefore a mushfake will be implemented. I believe that I have been mushfaking my way through life. I failed early grade school and could not read well until much later than an average student, maybe around 13 years old, and was constantly trying to hide my intellectual inadequacies. One method for achieving this was to simply not speak or ask questions. This would have to be my greatest technique as I have been described as the quiet smart kid; fooled ‘em. When you choose to remain silent, people tend to assume you already know what is going on. Later on when I started working I went through a construction industry apprenticeship. Gee describes learning a new Discourse like an apprenticeship, “growing ability to say, do, value, believe” ("Literacy, Discourse, and Linguistics", 11). I will testify to this as truth; I learned what it took to work construction, keep a job, and look like I belonged there. A construction worker was a dominant, secondary Discourse for me. As an apprentice, I was a mushfake, but as I worked I began to fit in and belong.

   In the same vein of my construction experience, fatherhood has also been a mushfake. As of today, I feel confident in abilities to raise and keep a child safe, but I was not ready for fatherhood a few years ago. I read some books and went to some classes to prepare and tried to act in a more respectable manner. I know that this confidence will be fleeting as my child grows and brings new challenges, keeping me from ever fully become confident as a father; this is maybe embodiment of what Gee explained about Secondary Discourse mastery; “probably not possible”.